God heals the broken and restores their soul, the Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want, that’s what Psalm 23 tells me. This past year especially the last few months have been extremely difficult as we continue down this path of infertility. Our first embryo transfer failed and now we are gearing up for our first frozen embryo transfer (FET) soon. The medication regime is overwhelming all on its own, least of all the procedures, tests, ultrasounds, and appointments. Yet, I will get to be pregnant on Christmas and that has been a prayer and desire of mine for a long time. The Lord answers prayers in the most unique way and in His timing. I was told that this FET would most likely be in January 2022 and now that the transfer has been moved up I have mixed feelings. Both joy and fear, mainly joy though. I would be lying if I said that I don’t think about having a negative pregnancy test and how awful that feeling is when the nurse calls and says you are not pregnant. it is soul-crushing.
I was not sure how I would get through that day and the ones to follow, but God made a way, delivered me from the darkness, restored my soul, and gave me hope again. Pain emotional, mental, physical, and Spiritual is very real and it all hits you at one time then it continues to come in waves. As I tried to get back to my day-to-day life after my failed transfer and many other losses during this season, all around me I could see, hear, and talk with people but felt like no one noticed I was drowning. It felt like I was in the world but not a part of the world if that makes sense. There were so many tears, prayers, doubts, questions, lack of understanding, and unbelievable grief. What I have learned is that God is big enough, loving enough, gracious enough, and compassionate enough to allow me to come bare-faced with all my emotions, pain, grief, and questions. HE welcomed me to come to Him and sit in His presence and bare my soul. It was in releasing it all to Him that God allow me to see beyond my grief and pain and began to experience healing and joy as I started to count my blessings. The Lord restored my soul and was patient with me during this time as always.
Now, as I prepare my body and mind for the next step in this season, I have decided not to try and pray it away, avoid it, or complain but to praise my way through as my heavenly Father will be faithful to bring me out.
Amen! Rejoicing for the blessings to come! ❤️
Hi Shawn,
Thank you, love you.
Walk in faith not by site! Sometimes talking about what your going through helps. You are very strong to even share your journey. Not only will this help but is very informational for someone else battling the same thing. Prayers up for you!
Hello Khim,
Thank you for stopping by and reading my blog, for sharing your words of encouragement. It really does help me when I share, something about saying/writing it out helps to process the feelings. It is my hope to help someone else along the way, even if it is not fertility-related. Thank you for your prayers.
WOW Kiyah,
I had no idea you were going through this. First of all let me just say, you are incredibly strong and brave for being so open and honest about this topic. I am proud of you to say the least. It’s been many years since I’ve seen or talked to you but one thing for sure you are still the mature one out the group (BAT) lol.
I read every post on your blog and was extremely impressed by your spirituality, which brings me to this point. In the bible, there were at least 7 woman who could not bare children. All of these woman had faith and prayed endlessly for healing and eventually 6 of those woman finally had children. Deuteronomy 7:14 say ” you will become the most blessed of all the people, no man or woman among you will be childless nor will your livestock be without young” Rebekah prayed and issac petitioned god for healing and after 20 years of marriage she finally conceived twin boys. Thinking about Hannah ( the mother of Samuel) she vowed to Jehovah that if she could bear a son, she would give him Jehovah, for his service. she soon became pregnant, after giving birth she presented him to jehovah as she promised. Several desirable qualities are observed in Hannah. Like you Kiyah, she was prayerful and humble, and she had a desire to please her husband. she made a great sacrifice of her own, giving up the companionship of her son, a child she prayed for to keep her word and show appreciation for Jehovah’s kindness. Kiyah, continue to find peace and healing with god, continue to pray and to continue to ask god for healing. You are an amazing woman and will be an amazing mother. Your season is coming, your season is coming and when it does you will know it was your faith that got you through. I love you and I pray that god answers your prayers. Thank you for sharing this journey, thank you for allowing those that LOVE YOU to share in this journey with you. we are rooting for you!!!!!!
Hi Brandy,
First, thank you for reading my blog and giving such profound words of encouragement. I will keep trusting the Lord and taking it one day at a time. I don’t always feel brave though or that I have it together, some days especially a few years ago it was extremely hard and I could not imagine being here in this heart and headspace. For that, I know that God is at work in my heart and I am learning to say His will and timing and not my own. Love friend.