Restoration

God heals the broken and restores their soul, the Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want, that’s what Psalm 23 tells me. This past year especially the last few months have been extremely difficult as we continue down this path of infertility. Our first embryo transfer failed and now we are gearing up for our first frozen embryo transfer (FET) soon. The medication regime is overwhelming all on its own, least of all the procedures, tests, ultrasounds, and appointments. Yet, I will get to be pregnant on Christmas and that has been a prayer and desire of mine for a long time. The Lord answers prayers in the most unique way and in His timing. I was told that this FET would most likely be in January 2022 and now that the transfer has been moved up I have mixed feelings. Both joy and fear, mainly joy though. I would be lying if I said that I don’t think about having a negative pregnancy test and how awful that feeling is when the nurse calls and says you are not pregnant. it is soul-crushing.

I was not sure how I would get through that day and the ones to follow, but God made a way, delivered me from the darkness, restored my soul, and gave me hope again. Pain emotional, mental, physical, and Spiritual is very real and it all hits you at one time then it continues to come in waves. As I tried to get back to my day-to-day life after my failed transfer and many other losses during this season, all around me I could see, hear, and talk with people but felt like no one noticed I was drowning. It felt like I was in the world but not a part of the world if that makes sense. There were so many tears, prayers, doubts, questions, lack of understanding, and unbelievable grief. What I have learned is that God is big enough, loving enough, gracious enough, and compassionate enough to allow me to come bare-faced with all my emotions, pain, grief, and questions. HE welcomed me to come to Him and sit in His presence and bare my soul. It was in releasing it all to Him that God allow me to see beyond my grief and pain and began to experience healing and joy as I started to count my blessings. The Lord restored my soul and was patient with me during this time as always.

Now, as I prepare my body and mind for the next step in this season, I have decided not to try and pray it away, avoid it, or complain but to praise my way through as my heavenly Father will be faithful to bring me out.