Infertility and Doctor Visits

I just recently went to the doctor office for my yearly pap smear, oh how difficult that appointment is. This year it was a bit different, it was better. Let me back up, as a woman who has experienced infertility for well over a decade, going to a place teeming with pregnant women is hard. Before I found out that we would be diagnosed with Primary Idiopathic infertility, i.e. infertility causes which are impossible to detect. Going to the Gynecologist for my annual checkup did not incite the feelings of pain, anxiety, disappointment, frustration, hope, and eventually tears. But as of my 30th birthday these feelings would be my companion when I was reminded of my up and coming appointment, during that appt., and after. FYI… part of these feelings was rooted in the hope that during my exam my doctor would say in a surprised voice ” Oh my did you know that you are pregnant?” I know… not reality, but still I was hopeful cause there are stories of women who didn’t know they were pregnant. And with that comes a round of dashed hopes and dreams, pain, sorrow, and hurt. I have often heard in church that women in biblical times felt such pain over not having kids because having children was so important to their culture, value as women, and family life. While a lack of children produced shame, we know the stories of Rachel, Hannah, Sarai, Elizabeth, and the list goes on. But women now do not have those same feelings because the stigma of a barren womb is not the same now as it was then.

Yet, I have experienced these same feelings being a woman without children and unable to produce a child currently ( I am still hopeful). So back to the current topic, having to visit the gynecologist can be hard for alot of women who are experiencing infertility. To have to see pregnant women, and hear ultrasounds of fetal heartbeats through the walls is a pain that I dreaded and experienced alone in the exam room, trying not to listen, think, or feel. Joyful for them sad for me, all for nothing cause it can’t be helped this is the way it is.

But something changed for me in 2018 as God has been working in me because that year was intense to say the least. I had been fasting and praying; praying and fasting looking for answers and always hopeful. We started seeing a new fertility specialist in January of 2018 which comes with stress, pain, hope, fear, and tears that I was not ready for. But God had something else in store for me.. a graceful breaking. Showing me His love for me and us even in this, showing me, me which was not pretty, my sin of idolatry (babies), His forgiveness, mercy, grace, and peace. During that time my annual GYN visit was due and I dreaded it. But something happened during that visit my doctor took time to have a very open and honest conversation with me and asked me questions that no one had ever bother to ask. What am I holding on to from my past? what is it that I think God is punishing me for? No one, not even my husband had ask that. Let’s be honest we all have that thing we hold to as the reason “why”. It was her talking to me about her experience with not having children, and that God is not like that, He does not hold our past against us, that’s the enemy. During the months after that visit my perspective started changing, the Lord was working on me I am forever grateful.

Fast-forward to this year 2019, when I was reminded of my upcoming GYN appointment I didn’t experience feelings of dread, fear, or pain. But I was holding out a little reserved, trying to brace myself and be prepared. Once I arrived to the appointment all those expected feelings wasn’t there. What was there was a change in heart and mind that lead to a change in perspective. I got to see the joyful faces of expectant moms, and hear with joy and hope the heartbeat of new life. I was able to laugh and joke with my doctor and medical team, as I too hoped one day soon I would be that joyful expectant mom by the grace of God. ” For nothing will be impossible with God.” Luke 1:37